Becoming Bosè
The Journey of Removing myself from White Supremacy, Colorism and Classism
Before the World Had a Say
I used to be a confident child, I used to believe in myself and be empowered. I used to know I was beautiful, I used to feel special. My dark skin was special, my name was special, I was intelligent. I embraced who I was fearlessly. I guess when you are a child this is the only option. Being half Nigerian made me feel empowered. My mom did the best she could to educate us about Black History, surrounding our house with Black Art. Trying to give us a chance to know and love ourselves before the world did…..
Learning to Be Small
Slowly but surely this confidence started to fade. When my dad began to show up less and less, when he would come over and my mom and him would get into screaming matches and she would push him across the room. When I started loving Destiny’s Child and I noticed the way the media would praise Beyonce and her beauty, but Kelly’s was never brought up. When I turned on the Disney Channel and all the girls of my complexion were the sidekick friend or better yet not even represented. Or how about when I watched the classics like Martin and the dark skin friend was always being referred to as a “horse”. My home and family life contributed to the erasure of my confidence as well. Realizing every one of my peers had a present dad and for some reason I only saw my dad on my birthdays and eventually I never did. When I would go to my beloved grandma’s house and she had piles of clutter and trash in every corner of her house, my house started to look the same. I thought to myself “This is not how the white peoples house on TV look.” Coming home and our lights or water would be off and my mom immediately going into a tantrum “I have nobody, I can’t depend on nobody, your own dad does not even want you.” I stayed quiet. Living in hotels and not being housing secure for part of my childhood also contributed. Even in church I was receiving messages that made me question myself worth. My pastor declared to the church that I had a demon inside of me that was going to ruin my mother’s business endeavors. Great, I am a demon on top of being dark skin and dad-less.
2. The Silence I Carried
Living in the Bay Area contributed (pre- Apple gentrification) to my pride of being a black woman, with culturally rich history of the Black Panthers and emphasis on diversity that thrived in this area. When I moved back to Sacramento, I was confronted with the homogonous paradigms of the suburbs. I remember my first day of school in Sacramento - a white girl began talking to me and told me she felt slavery was wrong. Not even a hi or how are you? It was completely awkward, and I said nothing. In that moment she was trying to express a sentiment of unity however at that time I just wanted to be a normal kid not a beacon of unity and hope. I remember a dark skin girl, asked me if I was African and when I said yes, she completely stepped away from me in disgust. The self-hatred was apparent and the fact that I was proud to be African and did not come up with some ludacris lie like most black people did at the time about being half Native American seemed to disgust her. When I looked at her, I was confused she was actually darker than me and, in my head, I thought “but you are African yourself.” Being in the classroom was a different story with the ups and downs of my home life, the constant “I cannot see Bosè” when ever my teacher turned the lights off for the lessons, and being so unstable from school to school, I started not being able to keep up in class. The bullying started from here and it never ended as I advanced into college in San Diego another white homogonous area, than into corporate spaces and into a classist world like the fashion industry. I only felt more disconnected from myself and after years of the same tapes, I realized society had won. I despised myself, I despised my skin color, I hated my African features, I hated me at home life, I did not believe I was good at school.
3. Wanting to be Lighter and Brighter
I love Beyonce, I love Rihanna, I thought they were so cool (still do). When I was twelve years old, I remember praying to God to help me become light skin, maybe than I could be worthy enough to be pretty and to have a boyfriend and achieve the life that was awarded to lighter people - I had observed in TV and movies. It became my obsession when a boy I liked (who was lighter skin) told me that I looked light skin in the winter and said I looked cute. Even telling his equally as popular friends “Bose looks light skin in the winter, right? I’m not trippin”. ( My pickmeisha ass was smiling from ear to ear) . I went home and ruminated on this interaction and thought to myself - “If I just stay inside and avoid the sun, I can be light skin.” I felt like being light skin would make me brighter and attract all the opportunities I wanted in life.
4. Becoming Whole Again
Now I see my beauty, my flare, my mystique, my magnetisms, my value as a woman and after years of hiding myself. After years of struggling with feeling enough, rejecting myself before others could I have stepped into a new light of love and peace. The peace that God has given me I am done with feeling like I am not good enough because I lived in a hotel when I was kid, I am done letting life humble me. I am done allowing my past to dictate my future, now I am moving to a new chapter where I am doing things that absolutely scare me. Being vulnerable is one of them, expressing myself to strangers, being excited about new things - these have all caused me immense pain in the past. Now I am using these experiences as a stepping stone to my new authentic self. Reconnecting with that little girl before society, school and media, who believed that I could do anything, and I had no ceiling and who I was, was more than enough.
